Tuesday, 3 December 2019

Coriander, Dhaniya, Cilantro

I love coriander. If you're a curry fan, this is how I source and use it:

Supermarket coriander has no aroma and no flavour, and to add insult to injury, tends to cost £1 or more per bunch. You might as well use grass. Best avoid.

Local Indian shops do great deals, sometimes 2 or 3 generously packed bunches for a quid.

Firstly, wash thoroughly in cold water to get rid of the chlorinated disinfectant.

I buy 6 bunches at a time, using 3 bunches as follows:

1. I chop the stems as finely as I can and pack them *tightly* into an ice tray to freeze. Once frozen, I move the cubes into a tupperware box or a recycled ice-cream tub, and keep it in the freezer. The stems have more flavour than the leaves, so discarding them is a culinary crime and should be punishable by permanent exile to a Gulag in Siberia. 

I use one or two or three cubes of the stems as a cooking ingredient, depending how many people I'm cooking for, adding it last to the onion/garlic/ginger/tomato gloop that serves as a basis for all curries. My measurement: 1 cube for every two portions. Alter as you see fit. You can also thaw a cube or two out and mix into your marinade for chicken or lamb roasts or BBQ.

2. As for the leaves, I pick them out and *very* loosely pack them into a similar box and freeze.

To use as a garnish, I scoop out a handfull and crushing them in my hands, I sprinkle them over my finished dish or salad - they melt instantaneously and spring to life, as if they were freshly picked.

I use the remaining 3 bunches to make a chutney/dip. Here's how:

3. I chuck the bunches, stems and all, along with a bunch of fresh mint, also with stems, several green chillies, a red or preferably a pink onion, the size of a fist, two spring onions - green bit included, 4-5 cloves of garlic, a tablespoon of red chilli powder (or dried red chilli flakes if you want proper fire), salt to taste, 2 or 3 table-spoons of lime juice (not lemon!), a teaspoon of amchur (dried mango) powder, and a little fresh ginger into a blender and blend until I get a rough paste of an even consistency. I use some watered down natural yoghurt if the blender begs for more liquid. You can alter the ingredients to suit. 

This is stored in the fridge. 

You can use this gloop on its own as a chutney or add a hefty tablespoon of it to a little bowl of whisked natural yoghurt to make a different kind of dip.

All of the above lasts my family of 4 for 2 weeks.

Thursday, 28 November 2019

Labour Antisemitism, Conservative Islamophobia and LibDem Maajid Nawaz

This, from Maajid Nawaz,

"My dear media pundits:

On Labour antisemitism, I understand that you’re generalists, who have to be abreast of everything, and therefore can’t be on top of everything, but I’ve been engaged in these issues of political extremism all my adult life, literally from opposing sides, so at least (please) do me the favour of reading a thread I write before repeating the clichè back to me that “all racism is bad, and the Tories are racist too” (as if I - a Muslim survivor of violent racist attacks, and the War on Terror era - hadn’t thought of that angle).

I’m not saying you have to agree with everything I say, I’d be worried if you did, but on this (clearly my fortè) please (for my sanity) read my view in any given thread first and then disagree (preferably without repeating an objection that I’ve already addressed in the thread), or better yet ask me instead of telling me about a topic I’ve spent the last 25 years and 2 additional Islamic languages learning. 

Honestly, before responding please pause to consider if it’s slightly patronising in any way at all for you to respond with tried & tested clichès about Tory ‘Islamophobia’ when the issues are disgustingly incomparable. 

Aside from that annoying misnomer ‘Islamophobia’ (which really reinforces a ‘death for blasphemy’ taboo in my parents’ country Pakistan and here in the UK) the comparison of Tory anti-Muslim bigotry would only be appropriate if Boris Johnson had called the Neo-Nazi Christchurch killer his “friend” and had taken money, personally, from a state that funded that killer (as Corbyn did with Hamas while taking up to £20K from Iran).

So, until the day Boris Johnson flirts with actual Muslim-killing terrorists it’s disgusting to draw such analogies, because they are deeply insensitive to our Jewish friends. 

What’s also disgustingly insensitive is to compare any policy of the Israeli state with a terror group.

Again, the appropriate comparison with Hamas & Hezbollah is to the Christchurch anti-Muslim neo-Nazi killer, not Netanyahu (despite my fierce disagreements with his policies). Netanyahu is a state leader, not a genocidal anti-Muslim terrorist. 

Only political amateurs and/or morally bereft obfuscators equivocate  and confuse statecraft (agree or disagree with it) with genocidal terrorism that eg: targets babies. So please, do try to assume I’m not as stupid as you may think I am (no matter how hard that may be) and consider that I may have already thought of what you’re about to say regarding the very real presence of Tory ‘Islamophobia’. I dunno, just maybe, during the 4 years I spent studying & debating these issues as a political prisoner in Egypt when surely I had time to rethink many of the political assumptions you now may hold and advocate (that I used to fiercely advocate too), maybe that time allowed me to arrive at a slightly unique perspective? Maybe? 

Thank you and forgive me, this isn’t meant to sound like a whinge. It’s just so morally wrong to equate Corbyn’s moral & institutional support for terrorism with ‘mere’ Tory bigotry or crudeness. And before anyone says it, no, I don’t vote Tory. I’m voting Liberal Democrats.

Thank you."

He goes on to add, "I’m really sorry for this, but you won’t believe the amount of ‘splaining I have to put up with."

Me too, Maajid meri jaan. Me too.

Big Brother. For Real.

The girl featured in this TikTok video is 17-year-old Feroza Aziz, of New Jersey.

Pink eyelash curler in hand, Feroza begins her clever click-and-switch video innocently: “Hi, guys. I’m going to teach you guys how to get long lashes.”

After a few seconds, she asks viewers to put down their curlers. “Use your phone that you’re using right now to search up what’s happening in China, how they’re getting concentration camps, throwing innocent Muslims in there, separating their families from each other, kidnapping them, murduring them, raping them, forcing them to eat pork, forcing them to drink, forcing them to convert different religions, if not, or else, they're gonna, of course, get murdured, people that go into these concentration camps, they'll come back alive. This is another holocaust, yet no one is talking about it. Please be aware, please spread awareness."

TikTok has suspended Feroza's
account after she posted the clip.

The widespread fear that the owner of TikTok, Chinese social media giant ByteDance, censors or punishes videos that China’s government might not like is very real.

In recent months, United States lawmakers have expressed concerns that TikTok censors video content at Beijing’s behest and shares user data with the Chinese authorities. China’s communist government rigidly controls the internet within the nation’s borders. It exerts influence over the activities of private businesses.

The concern is that, when companies like ByteDance and the telecom equipment maker Huawei expand overseas, Beijing’s long arm follows them.

China would certainly prefer that the world did not talk about its clampdown on Muslims. Over the past few years, the Chinese government has corralled as many as one million ethnic Uighurs, Kazakhs and others into internment camps and prisons. 

Internal Communist party documents reported by The Times this month provided an inside glimpse at the crackdown and confirmed its coercive nature.

The US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, recently said at a news conference in Washington that the documents showed “brutal detention and systematic repression” of Uighurs and called on China to immediately release those who were detained.

This is what a big government does, this is what happens when you cede power. The benign wedge that is socialism is just a step towards mission creep into authoritarian communism.

In the words of Feroza Aziz, "Please be aware, please spread awareness."

Tuesday, 26 November 2019

Education or Indoctrination?

I haven’t said anything yet about the plans Labour have to teach ‘the evils of the British Empire’ and the horrors of slavery and colonialism at every level of education. Partly I haven’t bothered because it’s the political equivalent of an open goal. I pretty much suspect that every single person on my Facebook knows how idiotic such a plan is, I’ve also not said anything about it because we all know that what Labour is proposing already happens. Teachers already talk utter shit about history. Teachers already pass on their slavish devotion to Labour. What Corbyn proposes just makes it official. 

But the more I think about it the more I feel that it sums up everything that is wrong with not just Labour but the perverse, hypocritical ideology that the whole of the Woke world subscribes to. So here are a couple of points that spring to mind: 

(1) Let's say you spend every year of school telling black kids that white people have always been sh*ts to them, and that British white people are the biggest sh*ts of all. And you pretend that this is still relevant today, still ongoing today, still something that people today are guilty for. What effect does that have on black kids? Does it encourage them to work harder, to study, to integrate, to like their white classmates and white teachers, or to love the country they are living in? 

Oh, and the lessons are to include telling black kids that their rich and powerful history was stunted and interrupted by the evil white man. 

So what does this actually do? It teaches them only to hate. It teaches them to blame completely innocent people today based on a simplistic and malice driven interpretation of the past. It makes them arrogant, embittered, demanding, resentful. It makes them want revenge. White people are sh*ts, right? It doesn’t matter what I do to them now. Look what they did to my ancestors. 

(2) Let's say you spend every day of school telling white kids that they are and always have been the biggest sh*ts on the planet. Tell them that they are racist. Tell them that none of the achievements of their country are achievements. Tell them that they are moral criminals, and that everything they have is stolen. Tell them that they have no heroes to admire, that they were only ever slavers and oppressors, that there is this moral taint in their blood and their skin colour that they can never escape. Tell them that anything they achieve is unfair anyway.  Tell them every single day that the black kids are better than them. Inherently, morally better. 

So what does this actually do? It teaches them only to hate. It teaches them to blame completely innocent people today based on a simplistic and malice driven interpretation of the past. Because how are they going to feel about those black kids? How are they going to feel anything other than resentment, like a child who knows that his parents only love the other child, the child that is not like them. What are they going to learn, except a deep, bitter, poisoning resentment at their current mistreatment. And if they are evil anyway, if they are guilty....why not do the f**king crime anyway? They’ve already been judged. F**k it. Be a b*st*rd. You told me I was that anyway. 

Replace black with any PoC, and it's the same: the perfect recipe for creating more division and more hate. All in the name of progress, all in the name of compassion and inclusion. It includes everyone in the same diet of hate. 

That is Labour. That is the Left. That is Wokeness. And that is evil.

By Bartholomew Chiaroscuro

Wednesday, 13 November 2019

An Open Letter to Greta Thunberg

I reproduce here, an open letter to Greta Thunberg by Professor Jason D. Hill.

You are not a moral leader. But I will tell you what you are.

You have declared yourself a leader and said that your generation will start a revolution. 

You have comported yourself as a credentialed adult and climate change activist who has fearlessly addressed politicians and world leaders. 

You have dropped out of school and declared that there isn’t any reason to attend, or any reason for you to study since there will be no future for you to inherit. You have, rather than attend your classes, been leading Friday Climate Strikes for all students in your generation across the globe. Your attendance at oil pipelines has been striking. There, you unequivocally declare that all oil needs to remain in the ground where it belongs.

I shall, therefore, against the backdrop of your activism, address you as an adult rather than as a child.

In September of 2019 you crossed the Atlantic in a “zero carbon” racing yacht that had no toilet and electric light on board. You made an impassioned plea at the United Nations in which you claimed that, “we have stolen your dreams and our childhood with our empty words.”  You claimed that adults and world leaders come to young people for answers and explained in anger: “How dare you!” You claimed that we are failing you and that young people are beginning to understand our betrayal. You further declared that if we continue to fail your generation: “We will never forgive you.”

You have stated that you want us to panic, and to act as if our homes are on fire. You insist that rich countries must reduce to zero emissions immediately. In your speeches you attack economic growth and have stated that our current climate crisis is caused by “buying and building things.” You call for climate justice and equity, without addressing the worst polluter on the planet China; the country that is economically annexing much of Africa and Latin America. You dare not lecture Iran about its uranium projects - because that’s not part of the UN’s agenda, is it?

You proclaim that we need to live within the planetary boundaries, to focus on equity and “take a few steps back” for the sake of all living species. You resent the hierarchical distinctions between human and animals and entertain no qualitative distinction between a monkey, a malaria-infested mosquito and a snarling hyena.

You mouth slogans such as: “We have set in motion an irreversible chain reaction beyond control,” and you advocate for universal veganism on the Ellen DeGeneres show. You do not buy new clothes, and you don’t want the rest of us to either. You want us all to stop flying in jet planes without giving us an alternative as to how we would re-transform our financial and trading systems - to say nothing of our personal enjoyment of the world - without regression to a primeval era.

Few can afford to cross the Atlantic in a $6M zero carbon yacht financed by rich people who made their wealth by the very means you condemn as loathsome.

There are a few things that we, the rational adults of the world who are not bowing to you like guilt-ridden obsequious Babbitts need to say to you, Greta:

First, we did not rob you of your childhood or of your dreams. You are the legatee of a magnificent technological civilization which my generation and the one before it and several others preceding it all the way to the Industrial Revolution and the Renaissance, bequeathed to you. That growth-driven, capitalist technological civilization has created the conditions for you to harangue us over our betrayal. It is a civilization that eradicated diseases such as small pox from the word, and that lifted millions out of abject poverty in a universe you think is dying and decaying. It assured you a life expectancy that exceeded that of your ancestors. Most likely by focusing on economic growth which you demonize, and scientific advancement, that civilization will further enhance a robust quality of life and health for your descendants.

Here is a hard truth to ponder, Greta: if the great producers of this world whom you excoriate were to withdraw their productivity, wealth and talents - in short - their minds from the world today, your generation would simply perish.

Why? Because as children you have done nothing as yet with your lives besides being born. This is what we expect of children until such time as they can be producers by learning from their elders. You are understandably social and ecological ballast. You are not yet cognitively advanced to replicate the structures of survival of which you are the beneficiaries. 

Children are important installments on the future. We have invested in you. It is you and your smug generation which think they have nothing to learn from the older ones who are failing themselves.

Whom do you expect to employ the majority of you if you have neither the job credentials or life competency skills to navigate the world? The future unemployable-skipping- school-on-Friday obstreperous children?

The truth, as one anonymous blogger aptly put it, is that your generation is unable to work up to forty hours per week without being chronically depressed and anxious. Its members cannot even decide if they want to be a boy or a girl, or both, or neither, or a “they.” They cannot eat meat without crying. I might add that your generation needs “trigger warnings” and “safe spaces” as pre-conditions for learning in school. Its members have a pathological need to be coddled and protected from the challenging realities of life. Your generation is the biggest demander and consumer of carbon spewing technological gadgets and devices. An hour without any of them and too many of you succumb to paralyzing lethargy. Your generation is the least curious and most insular set of individuals one has ever encountered. Your hubris extends so far that you think you have nothing to learn from your elders.

Yes, we have betrayed you: by capitulating the world of leadership to bored, attention-deficit children who spout bromides, platitudes and slogans that a rudderless and morally relativistic culture accepts because a significant number of its denizens have become intellectually bankrupt and morally lazy.

The logical endpoint of your ecological vision would see us living in primeval conditions eking out an existence in jungle swamps in which we would regard poisonous snakes and man-eating tigers as our moral equals. We would have to adapt ourselves to nature rather than adapt nature to meet our needs, like all members of civilized civilizations do. Your vision would see us foraging for mushrooms and plants without knowing which were inimical to our digestive systems.

Under your system we would swelter from heat, die from rampant plagues and starvation because there will be no air-conditioning units, no sophisticated plumbing and irrigations and sewer systems, no anti-bacterial soap made from animal matter, no pesticides and chemicals to sanitize our food and drinking supplies: just one primordial swamp of human putrefaction.

If civilization is left in the hands of your ecofascist supporters we will be living in grass huts, drinking animal feces infested water, and shrinking in fear from polar bears instead of killing them for food when they attack us.

Greta, living in complete harmony with nature is the death of creativity. Understand this. All great civilizations were forged in the crucibles of proper exploitation of the earth. Those who lived on land with oil and did nothing with it never had a right to it in the first place. Non-usage of God’s resources is the cardinal sin because it results in the un-development of our human capabilities, and makes us indistinguishable from beasts.

Your generation needs to be taught the morality of wealth creation, rather than only parasitically benefiting from it. The only revolution you will lead is one into nihilism and civilization regression. You need to learn about the moral case for fossil fuel. You owe it to yourself to understand how as, Kathleen Hartnett White has detailed, the harnessing of the vast store of concentrated energy in fossil fuels allowed mankind, for the first time in human history, to escape intractable constraints and energy limits that had left all but the very privileged in total poverty and depravity. Before the Industrial Revolution all societies were dependent on a very limited flow of solar energy captured in living plants for subsistence needs such as food, fuel and shelter.

But we, the creative enterprisers, will not go back to the Dark Ages. Your philosophy can be summed up as follows:
  
'What was good for my anthropoid ancestors is good for me. Do not rock the boat, or even build one as that will require cutting down a tree. Do not disrupt nature. Do not dare to see the earth as rightfully belonging to us. We don’t have the right to use our brains in a manner that can transform our needs into a material form. Let’s conveniently forget that production is the application of reason to the problems of survival. Let’s all diminish the grandeur of man and his luminous potential. Crush the Thomas Edisons of this world.'

The apocalyptic world vision you hold has been a strip landing for those who have hated progress throughout history. Your apocalyptic predictions have been made for millennia, and, we’re still here. We will still be here long after you’ve grown up and we have forgiven you for skipping classes, thereby lowering the intelligence quotient of an entire generation.

Monday, 11 November 2019

Could this be our Berlin Wall moment?

Following the secession of Pakistan from India over 70 years ago and the bitter acrimony between the countries that continues to to this day, adherents of the Sikh faith and the people of Punjab of all faiths and on either side of the line in the paddy fields bore the brunt of the bloodbath that ensued. By the time the dust had settled, millions of bodies had been buried and millions cremated. There is not a Sikh alive whose life has not been altered by those tumultuous times. In the etching out the borders, several important Sikh shrines fell in Pakistan, notably the birthplace of the founder of the Sikh faith, Guru Nanak. 

Last week, the Sikh diaspora the world over, celebrated his 550th birthday.

But now is not the time for a history and politics lesson. Something else has happened. Something wonderful.

Just as we in the West mark Armstice Day (or Remembrance Day) once a year to honour those brave souls who fought in the Great War, us Sikhs pray for something every day. Yes every single day, sometimes several times a day:

There is a small section in the Sikh daily ardas (The Sikh equivalent of the Lord's prayer) where AFTER you have prayed for all humanity, for strength, for fortitude and for wisdom, where you are meant to insert your own personalised prayer. In this section, nearly 4 generations of Sikhs have, in addition to their own personal requests or gratitude, asked for one thing unanimously: unhindered access to and the exalted privilege of the upkeep and service of Nankana Sahib and other historic sites of deep significance to the Sikh faith.

So much so, that as the whole prayer is repeatedly droned over and over again, day in day out, that specific part almost fades into background noise, devoid of any impact or indeed, meaning.

We are today looking at the distinct possibility that those lines could be eliminated from the daily ardas completely for there would be no need for them. 

Now I'm no influencer, but I did slip Pakistan skipper, Imran Khan the benefit of the doubt, following his overtures on the release of Indian POWs earlier this year, desperately hoping deep inside he'd have the courage to keep on following through with doing what is necessary. The last week has shown that he does.

A part of me remains cynical though, and I'd be stupid to let my emotions cloud the ground realities which he lives in and operates under and the ugliness of hatred and bigotry that is Indo-Pak relations, the evil forces dressed in saffron and green, and the Hindu-Muslim realpolitik.


Modi ji, ab aapki chaal.

Friday, 8 November 2019

Divide & Rule, 2019

There are only two political parties in the history of the United Kingdom to be investigated by the Equality & Human Rights Commission. One of them is Nick Griffin's BNP. The other is Jeremy Corbyn's Labour. You know why. Every man and his pet hamster knows why.

For now, it is just the Jewish community facing a very visible and shamelessly overt purge from the Labour party, however one does wonder which community is next. I have come to the disturbingly sinking realisation that it is mine.

The Labour machine under Corbyn has figured out that it would be political suicide for them to fully clamp down on antisemitism. They have too many seats that rely on communities which are fundamentally, historically, & culturally antisemitic and by a very conveniently disguised extension, anti-Israel.

Can anyone tell me with a straight face that this is not true? That it is not politically correct to say it out loud is one thing, that it is true is quite another, no matter how much we are terrified at the prospect of being labelled a racist, the truth will always remain the truth.

Case in point: The distinct lack of Britain's national flag at their party conference, replaced by flags of another country was pretty much an in your face challenge of I-dare-you-to-dethrone-us in the said seats. You have to be a special kind of stupid or wilfully complicit to have missed it.

I can see the same games being played with the British Indian diaspora - pitting Muslims against Hindus, pitting Hindus against Sikhs, and vice versa, tapping into nationalistic and separatist rhetoric from sectarian emotions imported from the Indian subcontinent.

A cynical but highly effective strategy, and I am deeply saddened to admit, a very successful one. Divide and rule worked on Indians in 19th century India, turns out it works on Indians in 21st century UK just as well.

No one does it better than Jeremy Corbyn's Labour party.

Monday, 4 November 2019

Doomsday Porn


These are images from an 'emotional protest' (their words, not mine; mine would be 'macabre blood-magik fetish-fest'), by the Cambridge branch of Extinction Rebellion outside the Guildhall from a couple of days ago, featuring, as they proudly proclaim, 'grandparents and grandchildren alongside each other'. 

Yep, loopy grandparents, and permanently scarred grandchildren, together in what can only be described as an anarcho-primitivist death cult equivalent of a sweaty pervert wearing nought but a Mackintosh leaping from behind the bushes in a children's park, except this is politically sanctioned mass child abuse in the new hijinks that is Doomsday Porn.

I'm left with this overwhelming conclusion that we as a species, are done. We've had our run. It's over. That goddamned exinction they keep threatening us with can't come soon enough.

Please, please, dear asteriod, wherever you are, hurry the hell up and put us out of our misery.

Saturday, 2 November 2019

Spare The Rod, Embrace The Blasphemer

Anyone who thinks Rod Liddle actually advocated making it harder for Muslims and young people to vote is an idiot. My take from his article is the point most people are missing entirely - that political parties have effectively used sectarian identity politics to carve up the electorate into vote banks. 

This knee-jerk vilification of Rod against the backdrop of ACTUAL calls for older people being prevented from voting at all - political euthansia, if you will - with nary a protest or condemnation or the slightest bit of outrage is a dangerously disturbing trend.

What's even more disturbing is how satire, poetic license, criticism and lampooning are now labelled as manifestations of blasphemy.

Yes, blasphemy. In two thousand bloody nineteen. 

Mark this, dear reader, if we continue down this road, the way back will be fraught with terrible suffering. Resist it while you still can, or forever lose the right to do so. The West is the last bastion of free speech, and to let it succumb to tyrannical policing will be the end of us all.

Tuesday, 29 October 2019

Vote Brexit Vote Diversity

I have been to mainland Europe only twice in my entire life. I speak seven languages, four of them to a level where I can (and often do) write poetry in them. I can Bhangra, Garba, Qarsak, Disco, Line Dance, Waltz, and hell, even break-dance, (badly). I enjoy Kirtan, Bhajans, Sufi poetry, Pslams & Hymns, Daler Mehndi, Gurdas Mann, Mohammad Rafi, Kishore Kumar, Manna Dey, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi, Guns 'n' Roses, Metallica, Joni Mitchell, Red hot Chilli Peppers, Googoosh, Ahmad Zahir, Farhad Darya, and a whole lot of others that appeal to my soul.
I've read the Guru Granth Sahib, the Bhagwad Gita, some of the Vedas and Upanishads, The Bible, the Koran, The God Delusion, and a Brief History of Time, and often quote from them. My favourite authors are Tagore, Sada'at Hassan Manto, Munshi Premchand, Shakespeare, Robert Burns, George Orwell, Aldous Huxley, Nasim Nicholas Taleb, Ibn Battuta, Bullèh Shah, Mark TwainWH Auden, PB Shelly, Victor Hugo, Voltaire, Charles Dickens, and a myriad of bloggers that aren't afraid to say what they need to say.
I don't take offence if my beliefs (or lack of them), my appearance or my customs are ridiculed or made fun of. Some of them ARE funny as shit and the stereotypes they invoke are funnier still. My Gods may seem weird to you, but then yours do to me as well, which is fine. Mine have lasted many centuries and many millennia, as have yours, and they'll easily withstand and weather a little bit of ribbing and fingering from the odd comedian or a stupid bigot.
Where I draw the line is when you think I and my kind need to be obliterated or converted. My beliefs and I are not better than you and your beliefs, and neither are yours better than mine. The moment you think they are is when you become a lesser individual, and therefore the enemy. That is the point at which I will resist you and fight you. The Gods I believe in or political stance I take don't need their honour or validity defended by mere mortals. That yours might suggest otherwise shows how pathetically weak they are. Which is why I will win, every single time.
My morality, my moral stance, and how I choose to live my life and raise my children should be no concern of yours, until or unless I seek to coerce you into believing what I believe and doing what I do. Don't agree with me, and by all means make fun of it, but don't expect me to agree with or fall in line with you. Any divine right you think you have, if there is such a thing, is equally mine as it is yours. To expect me and force me to live by your rules is nothing but tyranny, and I for one, will not stand for it.
This is why I voted Brexit. I would still vote Brexit if it came to it - again. This why I am a conservative. This is why this isn't a fight against diversity, it is a fight FOR diversity. We are all different. That is what makes us, every one of us special. I celebrate differences, I am of the opinion that we MUST be allowed to evolve on our own terms instead of being forcibly homogenised into a bland blob of conformity. 'Vive la difference', as the French would say.
My life's motto? "An' it harm none, do what ye will." Other than that, you can fuck right off."

Wednesday, 16 October 2019

Would you like cashback with that?

You know what annoys me most about checkouts at supermarkets? 

It's when they pile up the the receipt, the change, and the coins, and just stuff the whole stack into your palm. These are three different things, they go in three different places.

I know you've made a sale, and you've just knocked your KPIs out of the park and all, but tarry a little. I'm anxious to go home as well. Why don't you chuck the receipt into the bag, hand over the notes, and THEN the coins? And please, please smile. Maybe I'm having a shit day too.

As for those in the queue right behind me, breathing down my neck - back off a tad. Getting where I am has been a mission. Let me have my moment. Consider yourself lucky and blessed, for you're up next. Dwell on that while I put my stuff away.

#FirstWorldProblems

Saturday, 12 October 2019

Greta snubbed, say the snobs

Reportage this week: "Greta Thunberg snubbed for Nobel Peace Prize by committee run by Norway, one of the world's biggest oil and natural gas exporters."

Snubbed? Give me a break!

Funny how Norway weren't "one of the world's biggest oil and natural gas exporters" when they awarded it to IPCC and Al Gore.

Besides, can anyone name any other country in the world that has adopted more climate change mitigation technologies and solutions than Norway?

People are actually disappointed that an upper-class white teenage girl who helps instigate mass hysteria was robbed of a Nobel Peace Prize in favour of an African black leader who, in less than two years of being Prime Minister, ended a 20-year war, bringing actual peace in a region crawling with machete weilding brigands.

Wokism has gone full circle, like a snake eating its tail.

Wednesday, 9 October 2019

The Squatter MPs

To every MP that switched parties midterm and was too chicken to call a bye-election:

You are in the privileged and exalted position of being a Member of Parliament because of many little people, most of them very young with very limited means, who relentlessly distributed your leaflets and knocked on mostly hostile doors, come rain or shine, in sweltering heat or biting cold, fighting your case, only because they believed in you and the manifesto you stood on, often spending their own money and sacrificing their time to get to your constituency.

You've just spat in every one of their faces.

You are a Member of Parliament under false pretenses. You, are a fraud.

Go on, explain to me why and how you are not.

So, this is how liberty dies - with thunderous applause

The youth in Hong Kong are braving tear gas, batons, and live ammunition for democracy, and the youth of Britain are painting their faces blue and blocking streets in a desperate bid to give theirs away.

Strange times.

Regurgitating Racial Epithets, Dhesi Style

I last heard the term 'towel-head' some 37 years ago, in school, that too in a gentle ribbing by a friend.

I mean, what kind of 1980s moron says 'towel-head' anymore?

Or so I thought. I heard it again just 4 days ago from a rabid remainer, who colourfully embellished it as "towel-headed useful idiot".

I know Tan Dhesi is thrilled at his rousing act in parliament, and that it's gone viral all over Facebook and Whatsapp.

Thanks to him though, a whole new generation has been introduced to a hitherto extinct racial epithet.

It just set us Sikhs in the UK back by several decades.

Just what we need - Palpatine

With all the names being lobbed about for a caretaker Prime Minister, we'd do well to remember the last time a socialist was given "temporary" executive control of his country to overcome a political crisis.

It was in 1933, and his name was Adolf Hitler.

Set Your Monkey Free

Sooo... right now, there's a guy sitting in his living room in a silk dressing gown and soft slippers, swirling a couple of ice cubes in a tumbler with 35ml of a 50-year old whiskey wondering if the picture of a bunch of simians in a room was worth the £10 million he paid for it.

I see them for free, every Wednesday, with sound.

Dear Extinction Rebellion

You know, when I was little, a milkman would come round in the morning to deliver milk from a steel cannister into whatever utensil we needed it in, usually a steel pan, which would go straight onto the hob for boiling before being put away into the fridge. My mum would skim off the cream for me to enjoy later.

We used to buy a crate of 24 glass Coca Cola bottles from the shop, and return them when empty, in exchange for refills.

We'd buy cheese and yoghurt in little clay pots, and a guy would deliver fresh grapes, also in sealed earthen pots.

Coffee or tea to go was never a thing. We'd get it in little glasses, made of well, glass.

Grocery shopping was almost always packed in brown paper bags, and sometimes in jute tote bags and wicker baskets which we'd use till they fell apart. We'd buy meat, chicken and fish from the local butcher or fish market, having it cut just the way we wanted it. No one trusted pre-cut and pre-packaged meat.

We'd darn socks, sew buttons on, and wear clothes till they were completely knackered and faded within an inch of their lives.

And we'd cycle pretty much everywhere. And walk to school.

I'm not talking of some idyllic bygone era - this was a mere 25-30 years ago. Pretty much everyone over the age of 40 remembers this.

So before you glue yourselves to pavements and offices and spray buildings with beetroot juice (which WE will have to clean up), block the streets with your LSDesque hippie protests through interpretive dance and prevent poor folk from going to to work so they can feed their families, you might want to remember, it isn't us that clogged the drains, pissed into the rivers and shat in the oceans.

It's you lot. It's all your fault. Just go home. Go home and look on your sins.

Saturday, 28 September 2019

Paedophrasty

Word of 2019: Paedophrasty or Pedophrasty.

Paedophrasty is the act of using vulnerable children as human shields to bolster or defend a rationalisation, making any opponent appear cruel and uncaring - as people are defenseless and suspend all skepticism in front of suffering children - guilt-tripping and thereby preventing them from questioning the authenticity or source of the reporting or argument.

Paedophrasty can also describe the exploitation of babies or very young children, often with a visible physical impairment or disability, by professional beggars as a potent appendage and prop in the plying of their trade, thereby appealing to maternal or paternal instincts or general outrage or sympathy of people, rendering any opposition to the practice of begging as cold, callous or uncaring.

Paedophrasty mostly influences and affects intellectually insecure people, devoid of critical judgement and those that have an irrationally desperate fear of being viewed as violators of some norm of political correctness. These usually tend to be people that constantly feed on validation and public adulation, owing their whole existence, relevence and fortunes to being in the public eye - actors, performers, journalists, politicians... you get my drift.

That said, I feel so sorry for Greta Thunberg. I fear this will not end well for her.

Monday, 19 August 2019

Jihadi Jack.

Was anyone listening to BBC Asian Network at around 10-ish? I was on. Talking about Jihadi Jack.

Here's my take...

Jihadi Jack is a middle-class, privately-educated guy his Mum & Dad named 'Jack Abraham Letts'.

Mum & Dad also said he had developed OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. As an excuse, no doubt - after all, they funded him all the way through his spiritual journey of murder.

Jihadi Jack went to Syria to - in his words, 'to spread the message of Allah'. He has gone on record saying he believes in the Sharia.

Jihadi Jack, when asked if he was a terrorist, stated: "Do you mean by the English government's definition, that
anyone that opposes a non-Islamic system and man-made laws? Then, of course, by that definition, I suppose they'd say I'm a terrorist. Khalas".

'Khalas' to those who don't know, means 'End of'.

My take is, that as a grown up, educated man, he made this decision, fully aware of its connotations and consequences.

Jihadi Jack or whatever glamourised and sexed up monicker you confer on him, is a traitor to everything any Briton ought to stand for, an enemy of the state, if you will.

Priti Patel was right to strip him of the rights a British Citizen is owed. He relenquished his the minute he abandoned them.

That said, having him back in the UK would mean a 7 to 10-year sentence; he'll be out in half that.

He'll be back in our communities; back where he will be seen as an invincible and untouchable hero; back where he will inspire many more to do the same, knowing that the worst possible consequences will be an air-conditioned room and three square meals a day, paid for by us little folk who risk taking the tube every day.

I do not accept that.

Justin Trudeau may do. He is very welcome to him. I'm sorry Canada, we're doing what needs to be done. Maybe you ought to do the same.

Khalas.

Thursday, 15 August 2019

15 August. The Actual Tea Party

Here's the thing about India...

It is one big buffet of dal makhni and dumm-alloo, butter-chicken and roghan josh, Sikandri raan and seekh kabab, nihari and haleem, biryani and kadi-chawal, a delightfully bastardised, masalfied version of chicken chowmein and and a wet omellette-topped American chopsuey, roghani naan and chicken shwarma, chapati and parantha, kulchas and chholè, pakodas and samosas, dhokla and thèpla, dosa and vada, desi ghee and jhara nariyal ka tadka, rasgulla and gulab jamun, pista-kulfi and chuski, kaava and èk-dum-kadak cutting chai, santri and angoori, dèsi and valayèti, shikanjvi and lassi, gol-gappe and bhèl-puri, burger and pizza, garam masala and pachranga achar, Thums Up and Limca, and to top it all, meethi saunf and mast-mast raseela paan.

May the feast continue!

Happy Independence Day guys.

All 1,390,000,000 of you.

Saturday, 10 August 2019

OMG Recession!

As reportage sets on the 0.2% retraction of our economy, it is sickening to see the Left and arch Remainers go into a collective orgasm, as if they desperately willed it to happen. It's like a culmination of all their wet dreams coming (cumming? Lol!) true.

Why is no one talking about the trouble the EU is in?

Brexit has laid bare the failed economic model of the European Union, and those who will not see this are as good as blind. The EU is on the edge of a financial meltdown. Youth unemployment is as high as it has never been. The Euro is artificially propped up by the bankrupt ECB. The Deutsche Bank is on the brink of what will make 2008 seem like a picnic. It's only a matter of time. And anyone know what's going down in France? Or Italy? Well, you haven't been paying attention.

Massive financial and economic turbulences are ONLY ever caused by government interference, widescale collusion and wholesale policy. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Demand and supply for food, services, housing, clothing (roti, kapda aur makaan) are best left to local market forces, who would lose their shirt if they get resource allocation wrong; which is why they tend not to.

Centralised resource allocation is too much power in too few hands, the decision making prowess of which rests on 'Joe mustn't eat steak. Steak is bad for him; therefore no one must eat steak'. Nothing represents the EU and its institutions better than that.

Politicians and bureaucrats, and lately, so called 'celebrity' journalists lose nothing if they get business decisions and proclamations wrong - most of them have never been in the trenches anyway, so they can preach all the pseudo-economics they want. If they get kicked out, they could always write a book, or hit the after-dinner speaker circuit for £5,000 an hour. In the meantime, we HAVE to pay them to peddle thier voodoo quackery on pain of going to prison.

As for this thing about Northern Ireland farmers having to kill 45,000 cows because the Republic of Ireland will refuse supplies of milk from us, and obliterate their milk processing industry just to help the European Union spite us and teach us a lesson is the stupidest thing I have heard. Whatever 'expert' suggested that has indirectly called the Irish nation stupid. Over milk. Ferfuxake.

Yes, Brexit WILL cause a little blip and a fair bit of disruption, just as all major changes do. Much of it won't be because of Britain. It will be because of the EU and it's highly restrictive trade practices.

It won't be made easier by those turncoats in Britain that are in thrall of the EU Cartel, their noses deep in the trough of rigged markets and opaque pseudo economic models. Those that are of the misguided opinion that we are a useless country full of uneducated racist bigots, unfit to clean their shoes.

I have news for them:

We're going to smash it. Despite you.

Monday, 29 July 2019

#BorisFail

A Foreign Secretary of Jewish heritage, a Chancellor of the Exchequer of Pakistani origin, a black Chairman of the party, and a woman Home Secretary of Indian heritage. Phew!

Boris Johnson can't even get racism, xenophobia and sexism right. Utter shambles!

Clearly, he hasn't learned a thing from the fine example set by Jeremy Corbyn & Co.

How To Do Racism Properly

Labour MP Clive Lewis, recently 'congratulated' the newly appointed chairman of the Conservative party, James Cleverly with the following tweet:

"Genuine congratulations James. I mean it. I'm just sorry you and the other black members of that cabinet had to sell your souls and self-respect to get there. You serve under a racist PM and sit next to a minister for equalities previously fired for the Windrush scandal."

This is an example of the kind of condescending cheap shots that are now normal politics for the people we are meant to address as 'Right Honourable'.

Criticising the choices of people because of the colour of their skin is racist. Shaming them because of it is racist. It makes you a racist and a bigot, Clive. You've just trod over a good man's life's hard work with your holier-than-thou sewage.

You are neither right, nor honourable; despicable is what you are. You and your ilk disgust me.

This explains your leader's obsession with manhole covers. His legionnaires live under them.

Sunday, 21 July 2019

Leave My Desi Girl Alone

Somewhere in my crazed Twitterfeed, I found Priyanka Chopra being trolled for smoking a cigarette - in what should have been a private moment - by triggered woke-folk and pious-pricks because she had once come out against air pollution during Diwali.

And then, there were some tweets about her being asthmatic, from the I-don't-believe-in-religion-but-I-am-spiritual types, pretending to be genuinely concerned about her well-being. You know, the ones with rudraksha malas and wristbands, khadi kurtas and jute tote bags and calloused feet from ill-fitting juttis because they're oh so hip. Yeah right.

For the latter, let me assure you, Alex Parrish probably has the best health-care money can buy or prayers can bestow. She knows more about being fit and healthy than the varicose-veined Mr Tiwari of Pune, the potbellied-silo-of-cholesterol Mr Kapoor of Delhi, the whiskey-jaundiced Mr Kishore of Amritsar, the Mr Green-Tea-Will-Save-Me Mr Manik of Gurgaon, and the paan-beedi-stained lips of Mr Tyagi of Agra.

For the former, perhaps she was better off lighting lead and mercury and phosphorus infused fireworks, burning candles of stinky paraffin, or diyas doused in desi ghee, while adorning the parting of her married hair with bright-red lead-oxide to help along with the slow poisoning that is akilation (not sure how this is spelled), and burning incense or dhoop around the house 24/7, in case the likes you choose to drop in.

There's no need to get your dhotis and chaddies or kachéras in a twist. Stop it.

Leave my desi girl alone.

Friday, 12 July 2019

Boris, Darroch, Hunt, Trump

About Boris Johnson not standing up for Sir Kim Darroch, here's my take:

There was scant little Boris could do. Tragic as it is, there was no other option for Sir Darroch other than to resign. The leak created bad blood between the POTUS and our ambassador. Love or hate Trump, he IS the POTUS. Sir Darroch did the right and honourable thing. In my eyes he remains a diplomat to the core. I have always admired him, and now even more so.

The United States of America, despite its politics and current leadership, was, is, and always will be our greatest and strongest ally. Realpolitik is a thing. Lord Darroch gets it better than anyone I know.

Jermey Hunt's efforts at trying to corner Boris on this, in the way he did was a cheap shot, something he could afford to do, because Hunt has nothing to lose. He could give the finger or moon on national television wearing tassels on his nipples, and it wouldn't make a jot of a difference to his campaign for leadership, or Johnson's for that matter. Hunt is what you get if you put Theresa May, Rory Stewart, and Kenneth Clark in a blender. Everyone knows that.

As for Andrew Neil, he was at his journalistic best - he did what he must, what all journalists must. He is wasted on the BBC.

The real villian is the one who leaked confidential memos between an esteemed officer of the realm and his leader. The real lapse is the fact that 'eyes only' should have meant 'eyes only' and it didn't. Something the only person who has come to terms with it is Sir Kim Darroch.

Tell me I'm wrong in my assessment. More importantly, tell me why.

Sunday, 30 June 2019

Glastonbury 2019

The upside of the collective orgasm over the guttural utterings of a half-naked man with a 12-word vocabulary at Glastonbury is that stab vests are now fashionable and therefore, in high demand. This will lead to competition and the lowering of prices as a result. Capitalism, if you will.

Stab vests are essential wear in London, thanks to its much celebrated mayor, and hey, they're now cool as well.

This will save lives -  ironically not something that affects those that forked out 250 quid online from the comfort of their gated cul-de-sacs in the commuter suburbs in leafy outer London for the privilege of entry beyond a wall that ironically, bore slogans like "I don't see any borders, do you?" and a £3,000 yurt they had their driver set up.

A pity this came a bit too late for the pregnant lady in Croydon and the hapless guy in east London, whose brutal deaths at around the same time, were drowned out in the virtue signalling jizz of the trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy-porgy and the centrifugal bumblepuppy.

Hi-vis vests are so last month and passè. Stab vests are where it's at. Primark, are you listening?

Thursday, 20 June 2019

Eye Contact

Among the sea of eyes, I sense yours linger
And yet they avert when met with mine
A flicker of smile, a lock caressed away
Replaced by a cloud of feigned indifference
Was that flush imagined, in false light?
Did not the heart thump, the follicles strain
In a constitution shattering coup de foudre?
I blink in a splash of cold water on my face
And emerge straightening my tie
Hoping I never see you again.

Khyberman - 17 June 2019

Bhindi. Okra. Lady's Finger.

Serves 4

1 kg chopped Okra
1 tin chopped tomtoes
4 cloves chopped garlic
4 finely chopped onions
2 whole green chillies
Finely diced ginger
2 whole black cardamoms
5 cloves
A pinch of whole cumin
A pinch of asafoetida (hing)
A pinch of red chilli powder
A teaspoon of amchur powder
A pinch of ground turmeric
A handful of chopped fresh coriander
Salt to taste
2 tablespoons of vegetable oil




METHOD:

Fry up the onions and whole spices on high heat stirring all the while, till the onions wilt and brown a bit.

Keep the heat high, and add everything else. Keep stirring till you get an even pastey mix.

Keeping the heat high, and chuck in the okra (Bhindi), stirring all the while for about 10 minutes.

Turn down the heat to very low, cover. Leave for 5 minutes.

Stir. Leave to cook for another 5 minutes. If it's sticking to the bottom, add a tablespoon of water and keep stirring.

Turn the heat on full whack and stir for 5 minutes.

Turn the heat off.

Serve with chappati and natural yoghurt.

Electile Dysfunction

Well, Conservatives and Labour, do you now know what electile dysfunction feels like?

Your undoing is your own doing. Raise your.. erm game, or be de-friend-zoned forever. Learn that no does not mean yes, and yes usually means harder.

Are either of you hard enough?

Tuesday, 2 April 2019

Being Naked Proves Nothing

The House of Commons, the mother parliaments, was once the pinnacle of my respect for any democratic institution in the whole wide world.

Instead, the world is laughing at invertebrates with saggy butt-cheeks and cuckolded, shrivelled penises. Forget the stiff upper lip. Forget fortitude and stoicism in the face of adversity. Nothing about you is stiff any more.

We voted 650 of you in to be the face of our country, to be the pride and joy that is this blessed land, to show the world how it's done. To show strength, dignity and honour. To prove that a man/woman is as good as his/her word. Turns out, none of you are.

My heart is broken. 💔

Thursday, 21 March 2019

Burra Na Maano, Holi Hai!

I love Holi. I love what it represents. I love the colours. I enjoy the festivities and smiley faces and people wearing white clothes to accentuate the colours they're doused with. I love the bonfire. I revel in the sentiment.

It was a big thing back in my day. But, Holi tended to be nothing but a gropefest. Growing up in an all boys boarding school in Shimla, we learned respect and restraint, it was all pretty tame and civil, us Cottonians went over to the all-girls Chelsea or CJM, and physical contact was limited to rubbing coloured powder on the face.

Years later, after leaving school, I joined a Holi Horde back home in Punjab. They rented a Swaraj Mazda, and went around town looking for girls to grope and fondle. I was appalled at how terrible it was for girls. Needless to say, I did not join in ever again.

Going back to the same song, the lyricist says the unsaid:
'Twas ever thus. Sadly.

Happy Holi, or Hola Mohalla, everýone.

Friday, 15 March 2019

Brenton Tarrant, the Jihadi.

Right, I've had a massively busy day today, having started it earlier than usual, totally sleep-deprived and groggy.

While I was not looking, my Twitter-feed has gone completely off the scale, and my Facebook feed is filled with anguish, pain, remorse, and scarily in some instances, jubilance.

And yes, I've been Whatsapped the video of the camera on that Aussie dickhead's head. I cried when watching it. Needless to say, I've deleted it from my phone, and messaged the person who sent it to me not to propagate it any further. Nothing about sharing footage of this macabre event is cool.

I've been itching to say something about the tragedy that has gone down in Hobbiton. New Zealand is the last place on earth I believed, that would harbour such sentiment.

Racists exist everywhere. Many people think and strongly believe, that they are the true inheritors and enforcers of what is God's will. A God they have never seen and never met.

All Muslims are not blow-yourself-up Jihadies. All Christians are not shoot-em-up-crusaders. All BJP voters are not Hindutva-fanatics. All Sikhs are not Khalistani mindjobs.

My best friend, my chaddi-buddy (langotiya yaar) is a Muslim. His wife is a Hindu. Their kids are a joy to behold. My friends come from all walks of life, of varying beliefs, and the reason they are my friends is essentially the content of their character, not the colour of their skin or the deity they worship. I've never given two hoots about any deity or imaginary clock-maker, but if it gives people a focus to set their moral compass on, so be it. Be nice, get nice. Simples.

Having said that, from this day forth, many Muslims in the West, and in Australia & New Zealand will not go to their mosque for fear of idiots like Brenton Tarrant. Come to think of it, how safe are Hindus in their temples, or Sikhs in their Gurudwaras, or Jews in their Synagogues, in the face of such hatred?

Of course there have been many expressed opinions that people like Brenton Tarrant cannot exist in a vacuum. There has to be a political atmosphere or social cushion that allows hate like this to ferment. This may be one of the truths, but I don't think this is THE truth. I won't be blaming Modi, or Trump, or Candace Owens for this. I'll be blaming Brenton Tarrant.

This is what Brenton Tarrant did: He killed people that did not agree with his mindset. He killed women and children, and a lot of men. He killed people that were not combatants in an arena of war. He is the very thing he thinks he is opposing.

Brenton Tarrant is a Jihadist. Brenton Tarrant is a terrorist. Brenton Tarrant needs to be put away, forever.

Thursday, 14 March 2019

Negotiation 101 - The first rule

Never take 'No Deal' off the table. Florists, corner-shops, independent butchers, little cafès and pound-shop retailers know this. It's a tragedy that parliamentarians on £80,000-a-year, plus benefits, don't, or pretend not to.

It is oft said that Britain's exit is equivalent to 19 countries leaving EU at same time. Thing is, if our politicians had the cojones to boldly go forth, 19 other countries would do exactly the same thing - they are looking to us. The EU knows this. Sadly, we have a parliament filled with castrated cuckolds. Unfortunately, the EU knows this too.

Cromwell springs to mind, you know the guy whose statue you walk past on your way to work.

"Ye sordid prostitutes! Have you not defiled this Sacred Place, and turned the Lord's Temple into a Den of Thieves by your immoral Principals and wicked Practices?

You, deputed here by the People, to get Grievances redressed, are become the greatest Grievance.

The Country therefore calls upon me to cleanse the Augean Stable, by putting a final period to your Iniquitous Proceedings in this House, and which by God's Help, and the strength He has given Me, I now come to do.

I command ye, therefore, upon the Peril of your Lives, to depart immediately out of this Place.

In the name of God, Go! Get out! Make haste ye Venal Slaves, begone!"

We need a new class of politician.
.

Monday, 11 March 2019

The Khyberman Kebab Platter

If you want this, here's how it's done:




1. Lamb: Get VERY lean Lamb mince. Grind up some ginger and garlic, knead into lamb. Add red chilli powder, garam masala, salt, a little amchur powder, and plenty of tandoori masala. Kneed again until thoroughly mixed.




2. Chicken Tikka: Get your local butcher to cut up boneless chicken thigh into one-inch-sized cubes, or do it yourself if you're good with a knife. Add red chilli powder, garam masala, salt, a little amchur powder, ground ginger and garlic, and fresh lemon juice - one lemon for every 500g of chicken, and smother with plenty of tandoori masala.




3. Salmon: The tail works best. Chop up into one-inch cubes, add sea-salt and black pepper, sprinkle a little tandoori masala. Rub it all in with a little olive oil and a dash of lime.




Let all of this marinate for about two hours.

Get bamboo skewers that are longer than the width of your baking tray, soak them in water for about 15-20 minutes, and load the goodies on, using two skewers a centimetre apart, so you can turn the stuff.

Fire up your oven to about 250°C (just under 500°F - Gas mark 9), Fill your baking tray with hot boiling water. Slice up half a lemon and chuck it into the water in the baking tray. Squeeze the rest of the lemon into the water, chop up the squeezed lemon into little pieces and chuck that into the water as well. Add thinly sliced ginger to the water - 4 or 5 slices will do. Add a few cloves into the water.

Place the skewers onto your baking tray (see order below) - making sure nothing touches the water. If it does, you need a deeper baking tray.

First load the lamb. Give it ten minutes. Then load the chicken, give it 10 minutes, then load the fish, giving it 10 minutes. Keep the heat steady at 250°(just under 500°F - Gas mark 9). Check every now and then, and turn them over as soon as you see browning and sizzling.

By the end, the lamb will have baked for 30 minutes, the chicken for 20 minutes and the fish for 10 minutes.

Extract, and remove from skewers while still hot. Serve with any sauces you like, garnish with chopped coriander and sprinkle on some chat masala and fresh lime.

Optional: The water in the baking tray is now a heady, fragrant,yummy and nutritious mix of lemon, ginger, cloves, and all the fat rendered off the meat, chicken and fish. Crush up the now totally wilted and soft ginger and lemons with a fork and serve in a little bowl to be poured onto your kebabs for a bit of a lemony sting and flavour.


Post pictures on Instagram and tag me in them or @ me on Twitter

I'll be issuing points. 

Colour Me Bad - Part 2


Brown people are people with brown skin. Black people are people with black or very dark skin. White people are people with white or pale skin. Gingers are people with gingery-red hair. Tall people are people that are, well, tall. Same applies to short people. Fat people are people that are visibly obese. Chinks, when referring to those of Chinese/Japanese/Vietnamese/East India are people that have narrow, beautifully crafted doe eyes.

It really is that simple. If you're reading too much into a description of you based on your appearance, the problem is yours. While some see it as a racial epithet, I see it as a badge of honour.

I'm brown. I wear a turban. I'm uber-cool with that. I'll still be brown if referring to or describing me by the colour of my skin is outlawed. I dread that day, and I fear that day is upon us.

Don't fight the narrative. BE the narrative.

Sunday, 10 March 2019

Colour Me Bad

I am a person of colour. I'm like, you know, coloured. I'm dark brown after a nice day in Bournemouth, an average brown on a sunny week in London, and a wheatish-ochre on most days. I really couldn't give a monkey's about whatever skin-tone descriptor is in fashion with the woke-folk.

The colour of my skin has nothing to do with the content of my character. The forever shifting of what is or isn't 'acceptable' in describing someone's 'funny tinge' is a disturbing trend. You do yourself no favours. That is where the content of your character falls to shambles.

Stop it.

I could come up with dozens of reasons why I'd like to see the back of Amber Rudd. This is not one of them.

I could come up with dozens of reasons why I'd like to see the back of Diane Abbott. This is one of the main ones.

Thursday, 7 March 2019

God Bless America


The yappy Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of the Green New Deal admits on national television that she uses tons of plastic bags from the grocery store and that she throws them all away. Her reason? Lack of recycling facilities.

Why doesn't she reuse the plastic bags or bring her own reusable bags?

I tend not to delve into the warped, psychedelic world of American politics but the double standards of politicians is pretty much the same everywhere. Like socialists who publicly denounce private education, while sending their own children to the very schools they froth at the mouth against. But I digress. Back to Ocasio-Cortez, the one without a cortex...

I have 4 hessian bags I bought sometime in 2003-2004. They have stayed with me for three house moves since then. One lies in my car and three at home. Save the occasional shopping I do on impluse, I almost always use them for my bi-weekly shop, they're still as good as new. The plastic ones I get, after grudgingly paying 5p (7¢) end up being reused until they fall apart. That's when I chuck them.

I tend to avoid supermarkets as much as possible and buy produce from local shops, which generally have a shorter shelf life. This means I shop twice a week and do not buy more than I need. It also means that all the local shopkeepers know me and my family well, and always greet me with a smile and give me excellent service. Occasionally, they throw in a little freebie. I like to believe I contribute to the prosperity of my neighbourhood.

Bottom line is, if you won't support your local community shops with your custom, if you won't eliminate or minimise your waste for the sake of your convienience, and expect the government to clean up after you, you're doing life wrong.

You table a plan to save the world in your own hackneyed way, and then you admit to being an irresponsible throw-away culture child. Not a good look.

When you discard three layers of heat-sealed shrink wrap and a plastic bag because you bought a fillet of fish, the folks from your local authority WILL clean it up. They will use vehicles, machines, and an army of drivers, cleaning staff and logistics managers to take out the trash you did not need to generate.

And guess who pays for all this?

The little people. The cleaners, the nurses, the corner shop owners, the teachers, the sales assistants, the janitors, the taxi drivers, the warehouse workers, the mechanics, the builders, the policemen, and yes the guys who make the big bucks.

That horse you're on is a tad high. Now I'm no Trump fan, but stupid begets stupid. Trump exists because the likes of you exist. You made Trump. The balance in the Force, if you will.

The Donald is probably the 'reset to factory settings' button America desperately needs to eliminate the virus the Left has morphed into. He's the unpleasant medicine America has to swallow to rid itself of a greater malaise the Left is dragging all Western democracies into. He shoots from the hip, but then so do you. Neither of you are good shots by any stretch of the imagination.

For every gaffe PrezT makes, someone marches down the street, their face smothered in menstrual fluids, screaming that MAGA caps are frightening to even look at, while wearing a styrofoam replica of bleeding gentitalia on their head.

Who the hell is this helping?

Not you. Not America. Not me. Not anyone, anywhere in the world.

Friday, 1 March 2019

Did you just call me 'Sir'?

Okay, so this happened yesterday:

I walked into the little boy's room in a large public library for a tinkle.

Propped up against a urinal, was a person with one hand on the wall for support due to obvious drunkenness, peeing away. This is smack bang in the middle of the day.

This person was wearing sheer stockings, high heels, a black tweed miniskirt, a light blue blouse, topped by what was obviously a wig.

And more makeup I have seen on anyone in my entire life.

I finished first, despite having arrived much later, and proceeded to the sink to wash my hands, as you do. This person joins me at the sink.

"You awright?"

"Yes, thank you. And yourself?"

"I'm pissed."

"Lucky you! Haha!"

And then, I left, saying, "Have a good day, Sir!"

This person approaches me a few minutes later, after having checked three floors of the library to find me, and says, "Did you just call me 'Sir'?

I reply, "I might have, I don't know. Is there a problem?"

The answer, "If you don't know there is, then I can't help you." And this person leaves in a huff swearing along the way. There are some 15-20 people at the library now, staring at a red-faced me, as if I'd done something to this person visibly bigger and stronger than me - and I'm a big guy.

I have no idea what line I transgressed or what I did wrong. Why assuming someone peeing standing up in a men's urinal, in a men's toilet, being addressed as 'Sir' would be out of the ordinary?

I use 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' everywhere - at KFC, Sainsubury's, the local butchers. I was brought up with manners.

Now that I've calmed down a bit, and reflected on this episode, I've come to the following conclusion:

Regardless of what it is you want to be called, there is no way I can tell. If you're going to be obnoxious about it, it's not my fault, it's yours.

Whatever you identify as, just remember, at one end of the perineum is a D***, complete with B******s and all, or a C***. At the other is an A-hole.

You seemed to be A, B, C, and D, all at the same time.

You can't even piss in peace these days.

Why does everything happen to me?

Dear Mr Modi

Dear Mr. Modi

Not withstanding many of the reasons the Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan allowed the release of a POW, how about we take this at face value?

I refuse to believe Imran Khan is an Islamist, a pathan supremacist, or a vehicle of any kind of misguided Islamic jihad. I do know that being a politician in Pakistan is a much tougher gig than it is in India, given the Ulèma-esque Zia-ul-Haq style rhetoric that has always dominated the completely lawless politics of Pakistan. Just like many parts of rabid, fake Hindutva-infected, Goonda-Raj dominated India.

Imran Khan is one of the good guys. He is, of course, surrounded by people of a coarse visceral mindset, which unfortunately forms the bulk of the easily-led voting public. Just like in India.

He has an uphill task of modernising his nation's polity. I am sure you know this.

India crossed that narrow bridge a long time ago. Or so I thought. The Talibanisation of Dharma worries me deeply. I sincerely hope it worries you too; worries you enough to lead the disparate conglomerate nation that is India into the modern world. Now is not the time to hark back to a world that, that despite our golden-glossed high school history books, never was. War is an outdated concept. Only barbarians settle over fisticuffs. We are not the Dothraki. I like to think we have evolved. The India I know has, for sure.

Imran Khan is hostage to a twisted ideology - a role he is expected to play, and yet he, at the risk of violent derision and possible threats to his life, has extended an olive branch. You should grab it.

Help him. Pakistan may be a failed state, a horrible country, a hotbed of extremism, an incubator of terrorist outfits, and opposed to everything India is.

But your everyday Pakistanis are nothing like that. They were our brothers once. That we live separate lives today doesn't change the fact that they still are our kin.

There are no easy answers, of course.

Pakistan's porous borders, the strong influence of Islamist ideology, widespread racial bigotry, the deeply ingrained hatred towards the 'other' and sectarian conflicts, the blantantly overt persecution of minorities, the utter lack of the rule of law, and outdated blasphemy laws are big challenges Imran Khan faces.

Truth be told, India faces the same set of problems.

India has the military capability of rendering all of Pakistan into rubble in three days. They know it, we know it, the whole world knows it. We don't need to reiterate it by killing millions. The repercussions of our faux machismo since 1947 has already cost both sides so much, and continues to reverberate to this day. Enough is enough.

We invented ahimsa. Here is our chance to revere it. We don't need to reinforce it by killing anyone, or sacrificing any of our own.

Besides, I have first hand knowledge of the plight of families who have lost loved ones in war, in service of their country. Their stories will make any politician with a soul to resign, go home and slash their wrists.

You have an opportunity here. Let's see some mettle. You have it in you to be a bigger man.

Embrace the prodigal son. History will remember.