Friday, 20 March 2015

The Facebook Cull

I've just had a massive purge of Facebook friend requests for this month, all 137 of them. Here's a little round up of my Top 10 rejects:


01. Labour/UKIP/UKUncut/Unite/SNP types: Take my advice: You really don't want to be adding me. This is for your own good. I don't take prisoners and I never lose. I'll make you hate yourself way more than you think you hate me. If you MUST, please have a box of tissues handy. This will end in tears. Yours.

02. Wealthy Left whingers, Bollinger Bolsheviks and champagne socialists, living in gated communities in leafy suburbia. I have little time for you - you're so busy ticking boxes to justify your pseudo jobs - it isn't like you have any time for me either. Congratulations for nailing a seat on the gravy train. You change nothing, you affect nothing and you mean nothing. You don't change lives - you just protect your own. Well done. Just stay out of my hair, you've done enough damage as it is.

03. People posing with guns - WTF is all that about? WTF do you need a gun for? Who do you think you are? Bruce Willis? Eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

04. People with the other guns - the shirtless and topless gym fanatics. Aren't you all Shwarzeneggeresque? Except you're not - he's the Governer of California - managing one of the largest economies in the United States of America - which he has the BRAINS for. Who the actual fuck are you? How about you try a dating website for the attention you want and not my bloody timeline? Eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

05. Blinged up sherwani-clad men who spend more money on the gold chains around their thick necks than they did on their education, posing with heavily sedated tigers. Really? I mean REALLY? It pretty much sums up your life - buy it or sedate it. You make my skin crawl. Eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

06. Imbeciles. If you don't know what the word means, you're one of them. You are the weakest link; goodbye! Eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

07. Fancy a chat? No. I do not. State your business or a shared interest and we're in business. Otherwise, eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

08. Cleavages, duck-faces and overly strained buttock-shots. Trust me, I've seen better. Wares on display haven't been my thing since I was a teenager. I don't need you on my timeline darling, despite your desperation to be noticed. Try Soho, or any seedy suburb in London. You might pull off a tenner from some drunk. Good luck. For now, eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more. Delete. Block.

09. Relatives: Aren't you a curious and inquisitive lot? I rarely add anyone with less than 25 common friends, but if you're never going to make an effort to say hello when we come face to face, then what's the point? Usually it's simply because you want to keep tabs on what I am up to. How sad is your life? Don't add me if all you want to do is perv on my timeline (most of which you're not going to understand) or my pictures (most of which only serve to give you a macabre sexual thrill missing from your pathetic life). Add me because you want to get to know me better. Talk to me. I AM ONE OF YOU, FFS!

10. Randoms: We have no common friends, I have no idea who you are. Do you have a business proposition? A political affiliation? An academic connection? A serious politico-social phenomenon you want input on? Do you have a case? Hire me as an after dinner speaker? Tell me then. We'll take it from there. Other than that, eff the hell off. And then, eff off again. And when you get there, eff off some more.


So therapeutic, this culling thing.
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