Jodie & Poppy

Yesterday, 'Jodie & Poppy' were trending on Twitter. This is why. Make of it what you will.

Poppy: Oh my God I've got a lump in my throat.

Jodie: I know. I've got a lump in my throat.

Poppy: That is so... well tragic!

Jodie: That's how come there's a buffet... Cos normally it's just bar food and peanuts.

Poppy: Aww... that said, I like peanuts.

Jodie: I like peanuts.

Poppy: You have got to be careful with them though, ain't ya?

Jodie: Oh, yeah. Cos of choking and your anaphylactic.

Poppy: You'd move, wouldn't ya? I would if it was... you know, my baby.

Jodie: Yeah. Shall we move? We could go somewhere else, couldn't we? I could call Darren.

Poppy: Oh no, don't call Darren. Cos he's coming here now. Y'know, it's nice here, ain't it?

Jodie: It is nice here.

Poppy: I bet it's really nice when they ain't having a funeral.

Jodie: That's cos you look below the surface, Poppy. I said to Darren, "If you want your cunning plan to work, I need to have one of my deep friends." I said "Cos Poppy will not just look at a buttoned-up collar and oily T-zone and straight off think minger."

Poppy: Aw... Is Tamwar a right minger?

Jodie: Tamwar's got a lot going for him Poppy. He just needs to find someone what don't judge a book by its cover.

[Zainab comes in]

Jodie: Just don't look over there.

Poppy: Why what's over there?

Jodie: His mother.

[Zainab looks around and leaves]

[They sit down and the conversation continues...]

Jodie: Cos apparently she - Zainab - she owned a post office or something and he - Masood, he's only a postman.

Poppy: Oh! [swooning] That's like a match made in heaven.

Jodie: That is a match made in heaven Poppy. Cos if you work together, you're bound to have something to talk about, aren't ya?

Poppy: Oh yeah! You're gonna be having dinner and you're gonna be talking and talking, ain't ya? And... you're never gonna run out of stamps!

Jodie: And now he's bought her a restaurant.

Poppy: No!

Jodie: I know!

Poppy: Oh! That is so [swooning again] well romantic!

Jodie: It is. I said to Darren "That is well romantic, that is." I said "Cos romance, that is the key to a lasting relationship." Cos I read that in a book.

Poppy: Yeah! I read that!

Jodie: I said and the thing is, cos you know I've been waiting to have my moment? I said "All respect and that, if an elderly, middle-aged man can buy his wife a whole new business after years of marriage and kids, and having a son what's gay..."

Poppy: What? I thought Tamwar just had a T-zone!

Jodie: No, this is the other one what's gay.

Poppy: Oh...

Jodie: I said, "Darren..." I said "I think we need to look at the whole plate and sink business."

Poppy: [incredulously] No!

Jodie: Well, you know it's been really bugging me?

Poppy: Well I know it's been bugging ya. What did he say?

Jodie: Nothing.

Poppy: He never said nothing?

Jodie: He didn't say nothing Poppy. My heart was in my mouth. It was in front of the whole lot of them, he just got up and I thought "This is it. This is make or break, this is." Cos if he throws a wobbler now, I'm gonna to get strident. I'm gonna mention the towels, and the feet, and most probably them noises. And he just looked at me. And he gave me this tiny little smile. And he puts his own plate in the sink.

Poppy: By himself?

Jodie: By himself.

Poppy: Aww! Love him!

Jodie: Well, I've learnt from my mum.

Poppy: You see, that's what I want, Jod. I want that - a proper relationship. That's.. that's like talking without words, that is.

Jodie: Well, I do love him. But if you start off a doormat, you end up the loo roll.

Poppy: How is your mum?

Jodie: Lovely. How's yours?

Poppy: Yeah, lovely.

Jodie: How's your dad?

Poppy: Yeah.

Jodie: Hows your dad?

Poppy: Yeah...

Jodie: I wrote THE Christmas card.

Poppy: You done THE Christmas card?

Jodie: I wrote it, "Dear Dad, you are my dad, and you'll always be my dad, because you're the only dad I've ever had, and I know you may not want to hear this, what with it being written in a Christmas card, and you being Jewish, but I think you should get over yourself. Just snap right out of it. Stop. Just stop blaming me for something which I can't help. Cos being a dad, it ain't about biology, its about loving and I miss you and I just want you to get that into your thick, thick head."

Poppy: You never sent it?

Jodie: No, I never sent it, Poppy. You can't make a person hear if they're blocking their ears, Poppy.

Poppy: Yeah. I read that.

[Darren arrives and they get up to leave]

Poppy: Dog & Duck's nice.

Jodie: Dog & Duck is nice. Coach & Horses. I like the Rose & Crown.

Poppy: Then again, I like the Rose & Crown.

Jodie: You choose Poppy. Full lunch menu. Wherever. On Darren.

Darren: That weren't part of the cunning plan.

Jodie: It weren't a cunning plan. It was just a plan. There weren't no cunning in it.